“Run cockroach run… run away from the bleaching sun…”

Somehow things seemed to be NOT going according to the ebb and flow of my expectations. The past few weeks have been complete with enough surprises, tragic scenarios and lock, stock and smoking barrels of shitstorms that would make an optimist drown in his/her own bowel sauce.

Things have been better. Life has been difficult but has somehow stood shoulder to shoulder with wits and resilience. But in this visual portrait painting of chaotic dissonance there are those small blessings in life that sometimes escape even the sincerest heart.

891: Our Advertising Agency has finally been registered and we’ve signed all the required articles/legal affidavits which kind of is a first big step in putting the capital ‘B’ to business. I’ve never really had a particularly tedious time in putting the ‘P’ to pleasure. Or was it ‘P’ to pain? Doesn’t matter. I realize that this means we have to really get down to the pussy (translated: business) of things. So the time is nigh to get all the shareholders on board, as the Directors and legitimate Subscribers have signed and agreed to the terms of functioning as a solid legal entity. We will specialize in Advertising (integrated and/or select), Marketing, Event Management and the fun part: CD/DVD designs. We’ve already got some work confirmed from some artistes abroad who are stoked to have mastermind Tenny work on their album inlays, covers, CD design etc. A label would rip an artiste off considerably to have their artwork for an album or a DVD conceptualized and designed. We figure we can help the Heavy Metal and music industry at large (we don’t intend to shun designing opportunities for artistes of other genres and styles) in Asia and back home, do an unparalleled job, create something riveting and enthralling for the artiste and further our reach as a new, crushing talent in this field/industry.

So what do you think? Pretty neat no?

That aside… I got my CIM results and I’ve finally completed my first stage. I know it isn’t big shit ‘cos I’ve got 3 more stages to get my Degree, yet I feel a sense of contentment because after flunking one subject twice, I decided I was going to take the horse by her reigns and go hell bent for leather and
study my cute arse off – and I did, in fact it was right in the middle of all the drama and confusion which took place a few months ago. Meaning I was studying in the recording studio while Jacky was nailing the drums, then with Agency advertising work brewing a plenty, paying the bills and surviving, and also while friends were turning their backs on friends and peers were reaching the apex of hypocritical glory. That, and a whole lot more that kept pushing me to the very edge of hysteria. It was a tough time. But I am satisfied that I pulled through and that I am finally done with the first stage of my educational endeavor. I proved to myself that for all the excuses we find in life to not do things and accomplish what we yearn to, there are also moments where unrelenting commitment and a sleepless existence could help us rise above the storm.

Recording: The new album is sounding exactly the way we want it to sound. We believe by taking our time and space, and much needed privacy that we have carved something truly special. We have no doubt that in terms of compositional value and artistic intuition that this record will make us happy even if it ends up selling 100 CD’s. Wanna know why? Because it isn’t a safe record. It isn’t a trendy record. It doesn’t cater to singular palettes of music enthusiasts. It’s universal. It’s bold. It’s intense – if there is a more suited euphemism to decorate the sentiment - and it’s honest. We are producing this record (our first time) and with the engineering wizardry of Shobi I am certain that every ounce of blood that we spill into the making of Album no.3 will bleed out of your speakers. This is a musical venture for anyone who loves the uncanny, the unexpected… those who seek adventure with sensible risks that are clearly worth taking despite the outcome and its beautiful just hearing the step by step process of what every piece is starting to sound like, once weaved as one. Be kind enough to support us by picking up the new record (or pre-ordering it) when it’s out. This record is our baby. And we wish to do nothing but outdo ourselves and create something pure; which in the light of universal criticism might raise many eyebrows. Give it a chance… it will grow on you and become a part of you.

The Band: It is no secret that Stigmata have our own episodes of drama and mayhem. We don’t aspire to chisel an image that isn’t true to ourselves, and it’s this very straight forwardness and openness that has landed us with so much trouble all these years. I mean 8 years down the line and it’s amazing how many people seem to be waiting to find reasons to antagonize and hate us. We know why this is… some of you may also know why this is… But sometimes it hurts. It really does. Because many of these guys and girls are people who we considered family, and our decisions and efforts to establish some discipline and organize ourselves have resulted in us becoming a lot of people’s target for apathy. I was having a long discussion with Andrew, and then our soul buddy Charlie (who was down for two or three days and we had the time of our lives!!!)… ‘cos even Charlez himself has witnessed what a parody the local music scene is fast becoming. We were discussing how whatever we do, all these years whenever we’ve been abroad, been interviewed or got concert opportunities that we’ve helped those around and among us, we’ve pushed our country and our brothers and sisters in arms… But we have not been shown a modicum of similar courtesy. Why should we linger in a feigned anesthetized state of being when we’ve always done what we’ve could for our country and those around us, but our country and those around us don’t really seem to care. We respect and adore our fans, our true friends and family… that aside the music biz is fast becoming a labyrinth of egos and attitudes. So many Rock Stars everywhere in the country now, but so few who practice what they preach and preach about what they profess to love.

The cockroaches in lions’ clothing.

The local music biz is now a satire of its own despicable invention. Backstabbing, bitching, bad mouthing, capitulation, greed, fame, lethargy, laxity, quarrels and spineless intent defines Sri Lanka’s music industry. Which is a shame. A lot of people are so busy riding on other people coat tails and leeching out the light and life of those who love them that many have slipped into a permanent state of sublime where they need someone to blame and someone to hate. So the cowards all run and hide, are nice to our faces (when they deem that we are useful to them) and they throw darts at our backs. We meet kids who’ve grown with us who can’t even look at our faces and talk, individuals who we’ve sacrificed our lives and time for who cradle their guilt by exploiting friendship, vandalizing virtues and turning their backs on our One Alma Mater: Rock ‘n Roll. So be it… I hope to not blog about this too much because I needed to get it out of my system. One can be cold and insensitive but to be orphaned by your own kills a small part of you that will always be missing from our lives. But we hurt, we live, we learn… I’ll write about it and then try to not think about it anymore.

These are days when eating and drinking is rough. It gets harder every day with more problems springing up like demonic jack-in-the-boxes. There is no alcohol, drug or sedative in the entire world that could heal and stitch these wounds. Wounds that are ripped open everyday by circumstance, co-incidence and consequence. Without God’s blessings of music in my life, my writing, my bandmates, Charlie, my friends (miss white!!!), slaves and mistresses (I need my freakin’ vitamins okay?!?), family and Poofus and Cornflakes (my two doggies) life would seem too feeble to carry the cross of existence. Honestly without Heavy Metal in my life I wouldn’t be able to cope with much.

Andrew told me not too long ago that my curse is that I have to be there for many people, but that I have to face the reality that very few of them will be there for me. And he’s right. I ain’t anyone’s savior. And I certainly ain’t anyone’s martyr. And I am not anyone’s whore. But we don’t choose what we are to people. That power is not in my hands. I can only choose to walk towards the fire, or to turn my back on those who might need me.

I could do that. Even sometimes it’s an encouraging and tempting notion – but then I wouldn’t be any better than the cockroaches.

You might slander me, curse me, rebuke me, condemn me, hate me and not have the balls to face me…

But then none of THEM could look me in the eyes and say that I’ve turned my back on them when they’ve come to me for help, advice or favors.

Sometimes the things we can’t change in life do end up changing us.

And the things that change us don’t necessarily have to define us.

I don’t fuck half way. The girl’s gotta climax at least 3 or 4 times. Or I feel I’ve failed her.

I don’t much care for doing other things in my life half way either.

Either you’re with me or against me.

But do NOT fuck with me. And don’t try to tango with me half way. That’s disrespectful.

I know now though that the things that other people can’t change in their lives don’t necessarily have to change us either.

And so even hate is a wasted miracle. And love. And life. And pain. And integrity. And purpose.

Hey, even a cockroach has its purpose. And I have mine. And Stigmata have ours.

But we won’t change for others. Not for the world. Not for escapism. Not for power. Not for fame. Not for money. Not for sex. Not for them. Not for the latest plastic trend.

“Run cockroach run… run away from the bleaching sun
When the world ceases to spin in your favor
Fly back into your cradle – where once you were able
To suffer and die for another
No more though – because you’re building your empire on someone else’s ground
And the foolish man built his house upon the sand and with the rain pouring nails
It came tumbling down… down… to the ground…
Your rainbow won’t last forever
Fly then to your grave – where you never thought you’ll sleep
And while time laments for what cannot be
You will learn to regret – you will learn shame – you won’t be able to run ever again”