Your Suite Little Secrets

Ah... the scent of great things to come.

We my dear blogsters, friends, subs and eccentrics are relocating to a new
place tomorrow which is Tuesday the 20th Oct... We've actually been here for 2 years
and had some incredible experiences.

The most important thing is that this place helped us separate the fiction from reality,
it helped us sort and organize ourselves with a lot of pain, struggle and hard work. The Band
was able to swing back on track - though not completely - what with line up changes, industry
politics and drama and circumstances that were not carved by our hands alone.

I was talking to Andrew day before yesterday and was telling him how it was time to shed
our skin regarding somethings... Granted; a personal analysis is never an easy thing to do
for the simple fact that it's always easier to point the finger and criticize others than to look inwards and see the ugliness within. And he agreed. There are a lot of things that have affected us in these past 2 years but compared to what we've accomplished, all the things we still have to achieve and what we've learned along the way those things are trivial stuff. Nothing to split hairs over.

I admit that I couldn't come to grips with change... that things change, trends change and that people change along with the background scenery because its their way of adapting in order to be accepted and acknowledged as relevant entities in a scene... as part of a movement. I look back at it now and feel like an ape whose shit had turned to concrete. Seriously...

Live and let live people say... Live and let die people say... Except its never really that easy. Because you trace back that bleeding memory back to the days when things were different... and obviously things cannot always be the same. Popularity shifts, preferences evolve or devolve and zebra's don't really change their stripes completely at the end of the day.

I wish everyone from our click of old; true friends, the genuine guys, the chameleons, mosquitoes, parasites, the funny guys, opportunists and tag-alongs a very pleasant and tripped out ride to kingdom come and bid them well...

Truth is some of us felt we were misunderstood, left to carry a majority of burdens that were never ours in the first place and felt left out to a certain degree. Now that's the truth and it don't hurt so bad, but it tickles a little if you catch my drift.

But we've been very close knit, unsocial and fairly backward and it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong because these things metamorphose frequently from person to person. I enjoy smoking pot; not continuously and recklessly like we used to at the old hub 89/1... more controlled and helps us focus on things that need focusing. But for every bong shot that we feel redeemed one of you may find the very notion of intoxicating oneself with marijuana repulsive.

The eye of the beholder as they say...

We realized after many years that we were stagnant; not musically per say but as individuals, as people... we were starting to take this good life for granted and
it's our baby wholesale... 'cos you can't progress when your standing in the same place
everyday.

It's true we were surrounded by many people who had nothing but adulation and praise for us... and it's also a known fact that since Stigmata kicked out of the womb and breathed its first share of air and life that we've ALWAYS had people who flock into our circle, spend a few years, learn, live, advocate adulation and praise then think we are not worth their time, experience things and then move on.

And at the end of the day we felt responsible, we've been concerned and what was mostly foolish was expecting others to view things the way we do. That's impossible. I am not an easy person to be with for long periods; I am prolifically moody, I more often than not prefer isolation over company and I pick my friends and acquaintances very carefully.

Finding friends to me isn't like plunging into the stock market.

The guys I trust my life to are those I've known and associated for many years. We've been through considerable ups and downs, in-betweens, good and horrible times but we've shared it together and stood by each other no matter what. And I value loyalty.

I will not associate people who say one thing and do another. That's MY personal choice. I do not care to use people for their money, influence, capacity or status. Those things have been and will always be immaterial to me.

I believe in things like Love, Faith, Hope, Justice, Compassion, Great Sex, Sincerity, Passion... those are things that peel the decaying flesh off the fractured bones... the white
in my abstract black.

For example I wouldn't hang out with someone who thinks ill of Tenny, Andrew, Charlie or anyone in our pack of noble wolves and sheep - anyone who's very close to me. And I know I can expect the same from these guys. Is it fair to have similar expectations from everyone I am close to? No. But I am human too.

And my failure is that I expect that same sense of loyalty to surpass every trend, culture shock and flavor of the second norm that society cultivates and harvests.

Then I think back 10 years ago... perhaps more... surrounded and isolated in College because of my passion and loyalty to Metal and Rock 'n Roll. How I survived the worst years of my life: losing my father, losing my home, forced to pull out of university because I needed to start work to earn in order to survive, the loss of love... true love... I am who and what I am today because of Rock 'n Roll. I will not turn my back on my music, my friends or my family.

I've fucked up in the last 2 years. But I've also realized that you can't move ahead if you can't take a hit or two, if you're not prepared to take the bad with the good and make sacrifices... big ones.

We sacrificed opportunities to have a good time, to experience new drugs, new wonders and new worlds... If we hadn't I know that we would be the same people we were 2 years ago. Directionless, goals equivalent to castles forged in the sky but always unreachable and the slow decomposition of morality, discipline and structure without which we would never have solidarity in our future.

The sacrifice came at a price. We miss many who were a part of the ring at 89/1 and yes, perhaps we indulged in too much melodramatic nonsense to do the right thing the wrong way.

We have a Band that's working harder than we've ever worked before. We are the axis of a lot of people's apathy and hatred but we're pushing and shoving fate, time and consequence to finally fulfill our objectives. We are celebrating 10 years next year. We've gained many and lost many.

891; our creative agency is doing remarkably well for a new company. We're handling some big work for some big clients... everything we earn helps us survive and pay all the bills, and it's given us perspective that we are able to accomplish almost anything we set our minds and psyches to. Every week we have to make at least 3 or 4 presentations to some big clients and that's the start. We are building a strong working relationship with our clients and proving to them that NO ONE can touch us in terms of innovative advertising/marketing and event solutions.

I sound like a fucking hit advert don't I?

Our personal lives are better organized... not exactly where we want it to be... but getting there. We have more time to ourselves now; I am currently reading 4 books at the same time. We have time to actually watch a DVD or spend some quiet time jamming to an acoustic axe singing old 'Def Leppard, Aerosmith, Van Halen and Bonjovi tunes' and we can actually hear each other talk now.

In life we can't always move in one direction. Some will move forward, some back and many love exactly where they are and will not budge an inch. Neither of those are wrong or right... just boils down to choice.

If my blog could talk it would remind you all of some pretty nasty things I've said and done in the last few years, even to people I love.

And I mean to change that. I cannot be what I am not... and guys I am not a lover of DJ music, I don't care for LSD and crave for it - when I do try it out it will be with those I care about the most and trust infinitely - and I can't pretend to move around with people who mean nothing to me.

And it ain't my business to be affected by those who do enjoy and live for these things.

That's the truth again. Pale as a sweet winter's caress.

Much love to all of you who deserve it...
And much love to all of you who loathe me as well...

We are relocating to a cosy place; single storied, garden and stuff which is great for Poofus, Corny and Michi, two bedrooms (one has partially being converted to a bedroom/rehearsal room), big classy hall, funky kitchen, another vacant area leading to what must be one of the best loo's I've laid eyes on (and trust me, I've knocked many a serial maiden in quite a few loos) and the best part is... it's easy on the wallet, reasonable and it's 10-15 minutes from here so clients won't find it too tedious finding the place. We've got a bird sanctuary with exotic and rare birds in the back of the place - directly behind the current rehearsal room and a factory on the right hand side which makes practices a pleasure... no one's gonna be bothered much by the sounds... other than those birds. They went berserk the first few days now I bet you anything all the African Macaws will be chanting the opening riff to Spiral Coma pretty soon. Ok... maybe not Spiral... Let's settle for Andura first shall we?

So I'll let you guys know how the moving is going...

I will miss this place. I've grown fairly accustomed to this place but then when you have to move ahead and make certain decisions that will benefit the Band, the Agency and our Personal Well Being sacrifices have to be made.

There is no other way.

Or... there may be... But it's not our way.

And we do things Our Way.

S

Alright.

I feel like an overjoyed ass.

It's a rare combo. But it is what it is and you may call a rabbit a mongoose, BUT
it is what it is.

The wonderful creature that I blogged about after giving it considerable artistic
enterprise and emotional errrm opportunity has returned back to SL.

She left last Sunday and arrived yesterday which made it roughly just a week.
And one would think all this bloody drama wouldn't have been out of place or out
of context in an episode of Orange County.

Well like I said, I am stoked, fairly shocked and now potentially revived.

She's sorted her shit out she says and she means to implement a long term plan
that I must admit - providing it materializes - is pretty solid as an olive in an
Italian's soup.

So welcome back and just consider the previous blog an ode to something less tragic
than was perceived.

Right-e-o.

Having said that... I wish to indulge myself and therefore beguile you fine lot
to hopefully attend or at the very least check out and spread around what I am about to show you.

Yeah, right. YOU WISH IT WAS A PHOTOGRAPH OF ME IN A SPREADER BAR DRESSED IN A TOGA WITH A ROSE IN MY MOUTH.

That is because you've not calculated the repercussions of such a sight. I can't be held responsible for inimitable seduction caused indirectly by conscious default.

Yep. The BONG hit was good.

Here it is...

The Killing Joke

Friday, 30, October

@ the majestic British School Auditorium

Stigmata - Fuz Mechanx - Grey Mind Domain

Rs.500 per head

Dress Code: Trick or Treat or Subtly Grim

7pm-10.30pm

An Evening of Progressive Horror...

Gonna be fun as a fuck in a roller coaster I'd say. A Halloween gig to blow
the shit pudding out of all Halloween events.

What's with this month. Joz, Teacher and almost everyone's overseas. At least
Miss Sub Senior is back for the kill, thrill and eh kill.

I am gonna go listen to my soul being sucked in by the mean green bong machine.
It's only an expression.

And by the way, thanks to Miss Spani Tenny got Alice in Chain's "Dirt" (a classic album
doubtless) and Andrew got a best of Jimi Hendrix for his Bday which was on the 10th of October; Happy Birthday my brother!!! And I got an Anathema 2 in 1 box set with the Dark Wave/Psychedelic Goth Rock album of the century 'Judgment' and 'A Natural Disaster' also by Anathema, a Swiss Band called Punish with an album titled 'Dawn of the Martyr' AND Megadeth's new masterpiece and a true lesson in METAL 'End Game'.

'End Game' is receiving non-stop spins, till the player burns. The CD demands it, it's such
a great effing record. The album DESERVES it.

No Life Till Leather my Angels and Demons...

\m/

What makes pain complete in its unpretentious purity is that it loves to rely on
fate's twisted hand and time's cruel imperfections to deny the shepherd of his sheep,
the forest of its rain and the ocean of its wind.

I've blogged about this character for quite sometime. She is with little debate my closest
and most admired sub, my friend, my sibling in Rock 'n Roll and more importantly someone who
means so much that it's taken me a trip of my senses down memory lane and the streets of consciousness to really understand how much she means to me.

I am not one to wallow in love.

I am not one to misinterpret lust for something nostalgic.

I am not one to display my emotions and its landslides for the world to feast on.

But it doesn't mean that I forsake or rebuke Love. I believe in it. I just perceive it in different dimensions.

Like all things in life; love and pain make strange but compatible bed fellows.
In fact they seem to crave each others company so often that you'd wonder if
there is love without pain... and whether or not at the bosom of all pain lies a
defaced spirit of love.

I've slammed this girl on my blog, I've praised her and I've threatened to estrange myself
from her but like a moon that is the opiate of any night sky I've grown accustomed to this creature's faults, her flaws and it's the small things she does that stays with me.

We went to the bloody airport yesterday and watched her leave with tears swelling in her eyes
and fear clutching at her thoughts 'cos she's never traveled alone before and never been to Europe before and now here she was having to head out to Zurich to re-unite with her father and brother who she has only known by name and not by association.

Plus, the woman has a chance to make a life for herself over there. I am not a wise man who'll place all my bets on just any fool's gold. There cannot be good things without sacrifice. And the sacrifice was that she must leave her friends and family; her Rock 'n Roll click behind to venture new ground and carve a future for her that will help her discover the power of independence and the secrets that inspire confidence.

I miss her.

I do love her.

And I am very cold now. Because like I said there is no love without pain.

But since this is what's best for her - I must be the messenger, mediator and messiah that is always there for her - even if for awhile - I cannot be with her. That's life. That's love. That's the perfection of pain.

And so once again I must be strong for her... for the click... and everyone who needs me.

And I must be strong for me.

May God hear your silent prayers and may you never be afraid to falter to learn.

We are and will always be there for you Spani.

I've fucked like a wolf and had the pleasure of knowing a lot of different women. There are those who are born and enslaved to class, those who are professionally adept, those who are educated, those who have intelligence that is unparalleled and others who've been there for me through some pretty dark times.

But this girl has stuck with me and the click with more fervency and loyalty than most, she's worked her ass to the bone to make something out of a life that was already impaired and scarred - was never her doing but she was the victim of changes as Judas Priest sang. She's had to build a world of conscious and carnal knowledge through experience and mistakes.

I can attest though that very few people have the same spirit of kindness, such a strong sense of crippled grief, such a bizarre adherence to negativity and pessimism, so much of compassion, such a big heart and the fearlessness to stand by those who she loves without pretensiousness. We've all made mistakes and some of us revel in our foolish pride and always will. All the silly things she used to say, and how she loved our doggies like no other, how she would fight for Stigmata and the lot of us... the way we argued and even got violent to the point of tearing each others eyes out. It's the small things right?

The way she'd always serve us food and keep it aside before anyone else in this place.

The way she'd always leave a bong shot for us before sharing it with others or even having a shot herself.

The things she tried to say that were so predictable and pissed the living crap out of me after a hard day's slaughter session. But then I know in her own way she's trying to be there for me.

The way she looked at me with a silence that spoke a thousand bleeding words.

The way she stayed with us when others we valued blew out like candles in a thunderstorm.

Come back to us... come back to me. But first make a life for yourself.

You know me and pain

Take care of yourself baby. And don't forget to check out some sex shops.

S